Ten ugly pounds. Dieting. Veganism...hmmm?

There is an old joke that most of us old-timers remember well. There are many old jokes that us old-timers have heard over the years, but only a handful can we remember, let's put it that way.

This one goes like this: You wanna know how to lose ten ugly pounds? Cut off your head.

I think that one goes back to vaudeville days, at least that far back. Maybe it was something I heard in a Marx Brothers movie. I don't remember where.

Anyway. For me, it is way past the point of wanting to lose those ten extra (ugly) pounds. In fact, for me to lose those extra (ugly) pounds by cutting off someting (like my head)...I would need at least five heads to get to where I should be...got the picture?

Realistically, cutting off a body part or two is not gonna happen. Besides, how would one do that, especially one's head? Obviously, this joke refers to suicide...and I am not quite ready for that. Although it has been food for thought at various times in my life...suicide that is. But...I wouldn't know how to do it (the best, least-messy way)...I'm certainly too chicken to do it...and, I definetly don't want to go to hell! (Insert the Elaine Benice exorcist/devil impression here then laugh at it). So that it is out...for now.

Historically speaking, I have tried almost every diet. Some for months, some for weeks, some for only hours. Nutri-System (lost a lot of weight, too expensive)...Jenny Craig (lost some weight, too expensive, quit early on)...Atkins (lost a lot of weight, got tired of bacon, dreamed about pasta)...and every other one that has come down the pike!

Fact is, I've gained so much weight in the last two years (here's another joke, Rodney Dangerfield I think), that I need my own zip code. So there is no doubt...something must be done...now. Herein lies my biggest problem: instant gratification. Yes friends...instant gratification...that male-inherent trait that holds many of us (female as well) from accomplishing many wants and goals in life. Instead of cutting off my head, I would prefer to have instant gratification surgically removed from myself... along with procrastination, vanity, and self-doubt. Now that operation would set me in the right direction!

While driving back from an over-nighter to Pismo Beach last week, my wife Loretta casually made this statement to me (right after we both finished a load of In-N-Out and were passing by the massive, shit-stinky Harris Ranch cattle lot): "Could you be a vegetarian?". We've had many converations about this vegetarian thing. The answer is a resounding "No! Not possible...right now". Not that it wouldn't be a good, practical idea after some sort of transition period. Many doctors have told me that switching to a vegetarian diet cold-turkey (bad choice of words) could make you sick, especially if you have been on a screwed up, meat and fat non-diet for many years. They all suggested that one should "ease" into it gradually. Leave a day or day per week of chicken or fish, stay on dairy products for a period of time. Try an Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian approach. Then, and only then, step entirely out of the "dark side".

So, the plan for me is exactly that. I will do it. Limit myself to one serving a week of chicken (not KFC), one serving a week of fish (not fish and chips), and one serving a week of some other lean meat (the meat serving will be an option). That's the easy part, identifying and limiting the bad stuff. The hard part: finding out what I can and will eat to replace all the shitty stuff I will be giving up.

Most of the so-called bad stuff is non-negotiable, ie, on the "never" list. That list is long. But let's say this: fast food, deep fried foods, fatty meat, white sugar sweets. Bad stuff? Hell, this is all the good stuff!

Wish me luck. Better yet...wish Loretta and my friends luck...I will be one grumpy fuck for (at least) the first few days!