The annual retail circle jerk
Well...I think it’s all over. But not quite.
As I lay in bed very early this morning, covers pulled over my head, one squinty eye exposed searching for the digital time that is projected on our ceiling...I asked myself, “Please tell me that it is the day after Christmas!” The bad gifts, the no gifts, the fattening food, the goofy decorations, the Johnny Mathis song, the emotions, the greed...it is done.
Another yuletide season has come to an end. And even though the main onslaught of retail madness is over...it really isn’t yet. Many of the large department stores, including the one in which Loretta works, open at 5:00 this morning for one last Biggest Sale of the Year. I suppose they can say that it is the Biggest Sale of the Year because this year will end in a few days. Then they can start saying it again for the Big New Years Sales.
I don’t recall any news stories concerning the level of retails sales this season versus last...or whether or not this sector’s cash registers rang more than the predictions predicted. Chances are, they didn’t. It all started out with a bang several weeks ago, then fizzled out a bit as Christmas drew near. It always happens that way...some years worse than others. “Disappointing sales” is the usual catch phrase about now.
But what exactly does “worse” or “disappointing sales” mean to retailers? Here is how it works. To put it simply, the corporate circle jerks begin high up in the chain of command. Predictions of sales start in the boardrooms. Fancy-suited corporate weasels brought their colorful little Powerpoint programs and video extravaganzas to the board meetings last year about this time. Yes, over a year ago! The charts and graphs have red bars, and black lines, and blue arrows...smiling white-toothed, big-titted models shown shopping, dancing, and spending. All arrows and trend icons pointing in a direction that will placate the nervous CEOs and other company officers who wish to keep their high powered (and high paid) jobs. No one wants flat lines in retail! Only the “realistic” prognosticators paint flat lines, or, God forbid, downward-pointing arrows. The people who predict things like this - the realistic ones - are usually so-called independent folk who don’t work for the company.
By the way, the corporate restaurant industry works the same way. The environment in which I spent over 15 lovely years in (lower) middle management at the store level.
So, the corporate jerk-off sessions continue on down the line. The boardroom horseshit slides downhill. We all know that shit flows downhill, don’t we? The same goes for this stinky slurry of misguided information. From the brains, and mouths, and computers, and wet dreams of the fancy-suited weasels comes the sales predictions, now passed down to the division vice presidents, to the department heads, to the regional directors, to the district managers, to the store managers, to the assistant managers, etc. Again, this all happens at least a year in advance. Let’s not forget to throw in “marketing department” somewhere between the V.P.s and the store managers...these poor slobs need to sugarcoat all this good news in the form of multicolored, multi-media packages that will actually carry all this shit downhill....the fanciest of which goes to the investors for their corporate masturbation sessions. The most drab and ill-conceived presentations go to the stores and the hapless management types who are tasked to implement this dribble at the store level.
Fast forward to the end of the business year, sometimes in January, sometimes in July...it doesn’t matter. The corporate emails will start flying everywhere. Emails from the home office blasting store managers for not reaching their goals, for not “buying into the program”, or “turning in less than stellar numbers”, for “not following through”. These will be followed by requests for updated business plans and written excuses with the “whys” and the “wherefores”.
The landslide of corporate boardroom sewage will flow. The meetings will convene. The call to attend home office get-togethers will commence. The decisions will be made. The guillotines will be readied. The hooded executioners (district managers) will be dispatched to their appropriate locations. The blades will fall...heads will roll. The orders will be carried out with swift and reckless abandon. Select store managers and assistant managers will assume their positions. The lambs and goats will be sacrificed. The corporate fancy-suited weasels will adjust their numbers. And the fiscal year will come to a close. Fresh meat will be brought in from other kingdoms...all enthusiastic, hopeful management types with dreams of upward pointing arrows and bonus checks floating in their heads. The exhaulted rulers will strike a match and fire up one of the Cuban cigars they received from another higher-up, tear off a drumstick, sit back in their velvet throne, and breath a sigh of relief that another year has finally ended. The purge is underway. Another game is afoot.
And middle and lower management will only be able to sit and wait the arrival of a hooded individual knocking at their door. Their only hope? That their boss will have the courtesy to give them a “reach-around” when dishing out the results of a less-than-expected retail season.
As I lay in bed very early this morning, covers pulled over my head, one squinty eye exposed searching for the digital time that is projected on our ceiling...I asked myself, “Please tell me that it is the day after Christmas!” The bad gifts, the no gifts, the fattening food, the goofy decorations, the Johnny Mathis song, the emotions, the greed...it is done.
Another yuletide season has come to an end. And even though the main onslaught of retail madness is over...it really isn’t yet. Many of the large department stores, including the one in which Loretta works, open at 5:00 this morning for one last Biggest Sale of the Year. I suppose they can say that it is the Biggest Sale of the Year because this year will end in a few days. Then they can start saying it again for the Big New Years Sales.
I don’t recall any news stories concerning the level of retails sales this season versus last...or whether or not this sector’s cash registers rang more than the predictions predicted. Chances are, they didn’t. It all started out with a bang several weeks ago, then fizzled out a bit as Christmas drew near. It always happens that way...some years worse than others. “Disappointing sales” is the usual catch phrase about now.
But what exactly does “worse” or “disappointing sales” mean to retailers? Here is how it works. To put it simply, the corporate circle jerks begin high up in the chain of command. Predictions of sales start in the boardrooms. Fancy-suited corporate weasels brought their colorful little Powerpoint programs and video extravaganzas to the board meetings last year about this time. Yes, over a year ago! The charts and graphs have red bars, and black lines, and blue arrows...smiling white-toothed, big-titted models shown shopping, dancing, and spending. All arrows and trend icons pointing in a direction that will placate the nervous CEOs and other company officers who wish to keep their high powered (and high paid) jobs. No one wants flat lines in retail! Only the “realistic” prognosticators paint flat lines, or, God forbid, downward-pointing arrows. The people who predict things like this - the realistic ones - are usually so-called independent folk who don’t work for the company.
By the way, the corporate restaurant industry works the same way. The environment in which I spent over 15 lovely years in (lower) middle management at the store level.
So, the corporate jerk-off sessions continue on down the line. The boardroom horseshit slides downhill. We all know that shit flows downhill, don’t we? The same goes for this stinky slurry of misguided information. From the brains, and mouths, and computers, and wet dreams of the fancy-suited weasels comes the sales predictions, now passed down to the division vice presidents, to the department heads, to the regional directors, to the district managers, to the store managers, to the assistant managers, etc. Again, this all happens at least a year in advance. Let’s not forget to throw in “marketing department” somewhere between the V.P.s and the store managers...these poor slobs need to sugarcoat all this good news in the form of multicolored, multi-media packages that will actually carry all this shit downhill....the fanciest of which goes to the investors for their corporate masturbation sessions. The most drab and ill-conceived presentations go to the stores and the hapless management types who are tasked to implement this dribble at the store level.
Fast forward to the end of the business year, sometimes in January, sometimes in July...it doesn’t matter. The corporate emails will start flying everywhere. Emails from the home office blasting store managers for not reaching their goals, for not “buying into the program”, or “turning in less than stellar numbers”, for “not following through”. These will be followed by requests for updated business plans and written excuses with the “whys” and the “wherefores”.
The landslide of corporate boardroom sewage will flow. The meetings will convene. The call to attend home office get-togethers will commence. The decisions will be made. The guillotines will be readied. The hooded executioners (district managers) will be dispatched to their appropriate locations. The blades will fall...heads will roll. The orders will be carried out with swift and reckless abandon. Select store managers and assistant managers will assume their positions. The lambs and goats will be sacrificed. The corporate fancy-suited weasels will adjust their numbers. And the fiscal year will come to a close. Fresh meat will be brought in from other kingdoms...all enthusiastic, hopeful management types with dreams of upward pointing arrows and bonus checks floating in their heads. The exhaulted rulers will strike a match and fire up one of the Cuban cigars they received from another higher-up, tear off a drumstick, sit back in their velvet throne, and breath a sigh of relief that another year has finally ended. The purge is underway. Another game is afoot.
And middle and lower management will only be able to sit and wait the arrival of a hooded individual knocking at their door. Their only hope? That their boss will have the courtesy to give them a “reach-around” when dishing out the results of a less-than-expected retail season.
posted by James | 9:11 AM
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