Pa-pa-pa...ooh-ma-mah mow...
I have not given anyone the one-fingered salute from behind the wheel in quite a while. In fact, I really can’t recall when the last time was that someone got “the bird” from me. For the most part, I’ve pretty much given up that practice. In today’s sad society, flipping off another driver might get you a response from the barrel of a nine millimeter. I was going to say “especially in Modesto”...but that just wouldn’t be fair...it could happen anywhere now.
But that is not to say that some people don’t deserve getting “the bird”, they most certainly do. And this time of year seems to bring out the worst in people’s driving. They are so bad now, I am having “bad driver anxiety” about even getting in a car the next two days (before Christmas).
So, in lieu of giving anyone the finger (and getting myself shot) - here are a few examples, in my experiences, that would warrant such an action. All of these have actually occurred recently, within a few short miles of the safety of my living room. Also, please keep in mind that honking the horn just prior to extending the middle digit is advised. C’mon, you want them to see it don’t you? What good is flipping some off if they don’t see it? Remember the tree in the forest thing?
1. Drivers running a red light. Yes, my Number One pet peeve right now...busting through an intersection where the light has already turned red. Of course, the odds of this jerk seeing you flipping him or her off are high.
2. Someone stealing the parking space you have been waiting for. This could apply in a mall parking lot or streetside.
3. Someone behind you honking when the light turns green. This would require the over-the- shoulder flip off...or, as an alternative, the bird-into-the-rear-view-mirror technique.
4. An aggressive driver tailgating you, especially on the freeway at 70 miles per hour. Over the shoulder or mirror flip...or, better yet, wait until they are passing you on the right. Roll down the passenger window and extend your arm toward them while screaming the appropriate obscenity.
5. Lane drifters. You must use your first here.
6. Not using the turn signals.
7. Pedestrians crossing in the middle of the street (not using the crosswalk) and expecting you to stop. Of course, you must stop...it’s the law. I still may employ the bird in this instance from time to time. If the pedestrian is packing a “9”, you may be out of range by the time they pull it out.
8. Badly smoking cars.
9. Rumbling, boom-box woofer stereo systems. Use extreme discretion here...keep in mind the odds of the driver having a firearm are pretty good.
10. Any vehicle traveling 20 mph under the speed limit. Use discretion here, as the driver may have Alzheimer's or dementia and doesn’t know where he or she is at the moment. Flipping off these people may shove them over the edge and cause an accident...with you!
This is only the Top 10. There are many more.
As a public service, here are descriptions of the two main bird styles. The first one is the Classic Style...most often used now by females. The middle finger is only slightly above the others, exposing only the last knuckle, the other fingers are only slightly bent. Keep your hand lose and relaxed, thumb straight and pointing up. It is a bit dainty looking and the more polite of the two.
The second one is the more aggressive approach...the Macho Style. Fully extend your middle digit while squeezing your fist tightly. All three sections of your middle finger must be visible above the other knuckles. Extend your thumb out to the side if you really want to make the point. The clenched fist with the white knuckles indicates more anger and really shows that you mean it! No messin' around here.
My father had his own style of flipping the bird from cars. He would actually employ the Classic Style with his arm stuck out the window and pointing up. Then, he would rotate his hand from side to side a few times moving it in an upward motion, thus demonstrating the “screwing” motion the bird refers to. It was quite effective...very theatrical. Dad never used the horn though...flipping someone off was more therapeutical than editorial for him...as it is for me.
I don’t recommend giving anyone the finger these days. As indicated earlier, today’s society has changed so much since those good old days when receiving the bird was almost expected when you screwed up while driving. Hell, when my Dad got that salute from someone else, he would just smile and wave at them (instead of flipping it back). You may want to do that in today’s world...it really does piss them off even more!
I must tell you that I have replaced giving out the three fingered salute with something else...something that is very therapeutic for me. I mouth the words and shake my head from side with a very visible smirk on my face. It’s just for my own satisfaction...most drivers never see it.
What words am I mouthing? Why, Merry Christmas...of course!
But that is not to say that some people don’t deserve getting “the bird”, they most certainly do. And this time of year seems to bring out the worst in people’s driving. They are so bad now, I am having “bad driver anxiety” about even getting in a car the next two days (before Christmas).
So, in lieu of giving anyone the finger (and getting myself shot) - here are a few examples, in my experiences, that would warrant such an action. All of these have actually occurred recently, within a few short miles of the safety of my living room. Also, please keep in mind that honking the horn just prior to extending the middle digit is advised. C’mon, you want them to see it don’t you? What good is flipping some off if they don’t see it? Remember the tree in the forest thing?
1. Drivers running a red light. Yes, my Number One pet peeve right now...busting through an intersection where the light has already turned red. Of course, the odds of this jerk seeing you flipping him or her off are high.
2. Someone stealing the parking space you have been waiting for. This could apply in a mall parking lot or streetside.
3. Someone behind you honking when the light turns green. This would require the over-the- shoulder flip off...or, as an alternative, the bird-into-the-rear-view-mirror technique.
4. An aggressive driver tailgating you, especially on the freeway at 70 miles per hour. Over the shoulder or mirror flip...or, better yet, wait until they are passing you on the right. Roll down the passenger window and extend your arm toward them while screaming the appropriate obscenity.
5. Lane drifters. You must use your first here.
6. Not using the turn signals.
7. Pedestrians crossing in the middle of the street (not using the crosswalk) and expecting you to stop. Of course, you must stop...it’s the law. I still may employ the bird in this instance from time to time. If the pedestrian is packing a “9”, you may be out of range by the time they pull it out.
8. Badly smoking cars.
9. Rumbling, boom-box woofer stereo systems. Use extreme discretion here...keep in mind the odds of the driver having a firearm are pretty good.
10. Any vehicle traveling 20 mph under the speed limit. Use discretion here, as the driver may have Alzheimer's or dementia and doesn’t know where he or she is at the moment. Flipping off these people may shove them over the edge and cause an accident...with you!
This is only the Top 10. There are many more.
As a public service, here are descriptions of the two main bird styles. The first one is the Classic Style...most often used now by females. The middle finger is only slightly above the others, exposing only the last knuckle, the other fingers are only slightly bent. Keep your hand lose and relaxed, thumb straight and pointing up. It is a bit dainty looking and the more polite of the two.
The second one is the more aggressive approach...the Macho Style. Fully extend your middle digit while squeezing your fist tightly. All three sections of your middle finger must be visible above the other knuckles. Extend your thumb out to the side if you really want to make the point. The clenched fist with the white knuckles indicates more anger and really shows that you mean it! No messin' around here.
My father had his own style of flipping the bird from cars. He would actually employ the Classic Style with his arm stuck out the window and pointing up. Then, he would rotate his hand from side to side a few times moving it in an upward motion, thus demonstrating the “screwing” motion the bird refers to. It was quite effective...very theatrical. Dad never used the horn though...flipping someone off was more therapeutical than editorial for him...as it is for me.
I don’t recommend giving anyone the finger these days. As indicated earlier, today’s society has changed so much since those good old days when receiving the bird was almost expected when you screwed up while driving. Hell, when my Dad got that salute from someone else, he would just smile and wave at them (instead of flipping it back). You may want to do that in today’s world...it really does piss them off even more!
I must tell you that I have replaced giving out the three fingered salute with something else...something that is very therapeutic for me. I mouth the words and shake my head from side with a very visible smirk on my face. It’s just for my own satisfaction...most drivers never see it.
What words am I mouthing? Why, Merry Christmas...of course!
posted by James | 8:01 AM
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