Ten ugly pounds. Dieting. Veganism...hmmm?

There is an old joke that most of us old-timers remember well. There are many old jokes that us old-timers have heard over the years, but only a handful can we remember, let's put it that way.

This one goes like this: You wanna know how to lose ten ugly pounds? Cut off your head.

I think that one goes back to vaudeville days, at least that far back. Maybe it was something I heard in a Marx Brothers movie. I don't remember where.

Anyway. For me, it is way past the point of wanting to lose those ten extra (ugly) pounds. In fact, for me to lose those extra (ugly) pounds by cutting off someting (like my head)...I would need at least five heads to get to where I should be...got the picture?

Realistically, cutting off a body part or two is not gonna happen. Besides, how would one do that, especially one's head? Obviously, this joke refers to suicide...and I am not quite ready for that. Although it has been food for thought at various times in my life...suicide that is. But...I wouldn't know how to do it (the best, least-messy way)...I'm certainly too chicken to do it...and, I definetly don't want to go to hell! (Insert the Elaine Benice exorcist/devil impression here then laugh at it). So that it is out...for now.

Historically speaking, I have tried almost every diet. Some for months, some for weeks, some for only hours. Nutri-System (lost a lot of weight, too expensive)...Jenny Craig (lost some weight, too expensive, quit early on)...Atkins (lost a lot of weight, got tired of bacon, dreamed about pasta)...and every other one that has come down the pike!

Fact is, I've gained so much weight in the last two years (here's another joke, Rodney Dangerfield I think), that I need my own zip code. So there is no doubt...something must be done...now. Herein lies my biggest problem: instant gratification. Yes friends...instant gratification...that male-inherent trait that holds many of us (female as well) from accomplishing many wants and goals in life. Instead of cutting off my head, I would prefer to have instant gratification surgically removed from myself... along with procrastination, vanity, and self-doubt. Now that operation would set me in the right direction!

While driving back from an over-nighter to Pismo Beach last week, my wife Loretta casually made this statement to me (right after we both finished a load of In-N-Out and were passing by the massive, shit-stinky Harris Ranch cattle lot): "Could you be a vegetarian?". We've had many converations about this vegetarian thing. The answer is a resounding "No! Not possible...right now". Not that it wouldn't be a good, practical idea after some sort of transition period. Many doctors have told me that switching to a vegetarian diet cold-turkey (bad choice of words) could make you sick, especially if you have been on a screwed up, meat and fat non-diet for many years. They all suggested that one should "ease" into it gradually. Leave a day or day per week of chicken or fish, stay on dairy products for a period of time. Try an Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian approach. Then, and only then, step entirely out of the "dark side".

So, the plan for me is exactly that. I will do it. Limit myself to one serving a week of chicken (not KFC), one serving a week of fish (not fish and chips), and one serving a week of some other lean meat (the meat serving will be an option). That's the easy part, identifying and limiting the bad stuff. The hard part: finding out what I can and will eat to replace all the shitty stuff I will be giving up.

Most of the so-called bad stuff is non-negotiable, ie, on the "never" list. That list is long. But let's say this: fast food, deep fried foods, fatty meat, white sugar sweets. Bad stuff? Hell, this is all the good stuff!

Wish me luck. Better yet...wish Loretta and my friends luck...I will be one grumpy fuck for (at least) the first few days!

The Pink Panther stinks

Well...I did something I pledged not to do. Hang on, doing something I pledged not to do is not unusual for me, I thought I would mention it beforehand for everyone shaking their heads already. What I did was rent (Netflix) The Pink Panther (2006 version) with Steve Martin.

Now, being a complete, dyed-in-the-wool Peter Sellars/Pink Panther fan already puts me into a prejudicial frame of mind in this area from the start. In other words, I had a bad feeling about this re-make of an all-time classic movie long before it came out.

First, let me say this. Any and all attempts to recreate the comic genius of Peter Sellars/Blake Edwards material in the past have failed miserably. They have all pretty much stunk to high heaven. Even when I tried to watch these remakes (Pink Panther material) with an open mind (not really possible for me, but I tried) they would just fall short. I would slap myself in the face a few times during the opening credits, drink alcohol while watching, or force myself to look at it as a stand-alone movie...nah good! I'm tainted when it comes to, in particular, Peter Sellars. He was one of the funniest actors to ever grace the silver screen...period.

Yes, Steve Martin is also one of the funniest...I've been a huge fan of his since he was standing in front of crowds at Pier 39 in San Francisco with a fake arrow through his head and doing simple magic tricks. "Well...excuuuuuuse me!" "We are...two wild...and crazy guys." "Waiter...there are snails on her plate!" And so on and so on. 'Nuff said there.

But Steve Martin trying be Inspector Clousseau just doesn't cut it. Reasons? Everything in the movie seems so contrived. Like an episode of the Twilight Zone set in a parallel universe where Steve was chosen instead of Peter for this role. Almost as if there was no respect for the former Inspector Clousseau, the movie makers in this clunker should be ashamed of themselves. The so-called gags and laughs are forced at best, ie, "I think this part is supposed to be funny".

I found myself saying, "Now...is that supposed to be Inspector Clousseau? I know it's Steve Martin. Maybe it's his brother". You just don't make the connection. The "magic" is just not there. It is not funny. More than that, it is difficult to watch, ie, you squirm in your seat from time to time looking at your watch to see how much of this gak is left.

Unfortunately, most remakes have had the same fate. In fact, even most movies where a "recent" real person is played by an actor fall way short as well...Walk the Line and Ray are recent examples. But, both of those films as stand-alone pieces of cinema art are quite good...ya' just don't buy into well-known actors portraying other well-known people.

Again, as a near-rabid Peter Sellars fan, I suppose I am not a fair judge. There has just been too much Clousseau water under the bridge. It is over. It is all on DVD in its original form to enjoy many, many times as it was meant to be.

But please...if there is a God in heaven, He will not allow anyone to attempt a remake of The Party (Peter Sellars, 1969). If it is remade, my prediction is that Jim Carrey will do it... for he is another rabid Sellars fan and has enough money to do pretty much anything he wants!

By the way, in the words of Inspector Clousseau, "...that's...Chief Inspector".

fence post in life...gotta keep changing

I think one of my biggest fears in life is becoming a fence post. One of those forgotten, old, wooden standards you see on the side of some road...helping to hold up one of the other fence posts down the line. Serving a purpose? Yes. Doing something worthwhile and satisfying. No.

On the road next to the fence post? All the movers and shakers and self-actualized "people" on the move...on the move to another destination.

Maybe the real fear I have is being forgotten, like that fence post...the one that holds no real purpose an longer, except to help hold up the one next to it. The end post may have served another purpose at one time: either holding up a gate, or anchoring a corner. So, quite possibly this fence post might also be considered a "cornerstone"...certainly an important part of the structure. But still, it is stuck in the ground, never moving forward, or backward. It is just there now to be admired on occassion.

Van Gogh chose to cut off his ear when he got to the point where no one was paying any attention to what he was doing. Quite a change there. So, my next questions are: What really is "attention"? And...How important is this fleeting recognition?

I know many people at this point in my life who are "fence posts". These are folks who have done the same thing, day in and day out, for a long time. Not just professionally, but personally as well. Same job, same life, same space, same partner for 30 years or more. My envy has always been obvious. I have never hidden the fact that I do appreciate and wonder if their lifestyle would have been better than the one I have chosen. Yes...the one I have chosen.

The "choices in life" philosophy has been beaten to death I feel. Whether it be Tony Robbins or Doctor Phil...their millions have been made exploiting this human "weakness". What weakness? The one that somehow allows humans to regret...one of the many exclusive "abilities" that we possess over the rest of all living things on this planet. The fact that we can choose is another aspect of human nature that goes hand in hand in our little club. Do other living organisms actually make choices? Not hardly. They operate solely on instinct, never on emotion. Some in the scientific community seem to think that certain higher forms of life near us on the evo-scale possess emotions and the ability to reason, ie, make choices. I'm not convinced. They most certainly do not have the capability to worry...or do they?

At some point in the distant future...when chimpanzees are allowed to borrow money, own a credit card and a mortgage, and are then given these options in life as choices...then we may indeed know whether or not they worry, or regret. They will tell us about it and describe how they really feel.

One thing I do know. Chimpanzees do possess the ability to be happy or unhappy. And when they are unhappy, they express this in the most obvious ways. They scream and pound, letting others around them know they are unhappy. And, if they are unhappy with their surroundings (not enough food, bad weather, shitty neighbors), they don't stew or over...they don't worry about it...they move on. They change their environment...they get the hell out of there.

Our closet relatives in the animal world are not fence posts and never will be. Maybe they just don't give a shit about what others of their kind think about them. They simply do what they want to do based on a criteria that we, as humans, may never know about...until we teach them to speak to us of course. Then, we'll all be in trouble!

Damn dirty apes! I guess I envy them as well.